what you dont know.

whats not being said

was how my days were brighter with you in them

how unstoppable i felt with your arm around me

or how i felt when your eyes burned through me

whats not being said

was how i loved to talk about you to my friends

how i was so proud to be your girl

and how i couldnt sleep without you next to me

whats not being said

was how perfect, absolutely perfect i thought you were

how although i said it often, i never wanted you to leave me

how ive never met anyone who made me feel this way

whats not being said

was how jealous i was of any girls before me

how your words, simply occupied my mind for hours

how you still give me butterflies

whats not being said

was how i wanted you to meet my family

how i wanted to introduce you to my brother

how i could see you in my life

whats not being said

how much this last year has been the best year of my life

how beautiful you are

how much i feel for you.

whats not being said

is now too late.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

i miss you so much. why cant i just be like any other girl and just tell you all of this. whats wrong me with me. your everything i wanted and more yet here you are thinking that i couldnt care less, that you dont mean anything to me, and that your the only one with emotional ties when in reality im just as bonded as you. only difference is that by me admitting this, i could probably make you stay. i could get everything i wanted, except id be like every other girl with their heart on their sleeve just asking to be cheated on and lied to. i cant do that to myself cause that pain would be so much greater than this one. you need more than i can give you. fuck, this wasnt supposed to end up like this!!!!! you were supposed to be like every guy i date, and we'd just chill til i loose interest and do our own thing. no "anniversary", no "gifts", no nothing. but you ruined that for me. the only thing im left to do now, is the only thing i dont want to do.. lose you. too bad you dont know.

memoirs of an imperfect angel.

i shouldnt have walked away, i wouldve stayed

if you said we couldve made, everything okay

but we just threw the blame back and forth

we tweeted love , like a sport

the final blow hit so low, im still on the ground

i couldnt have prepared myself for this fall

shattered in pieces curled on the floor

supernatural love conquers all,

remember we used to touch the sky..

lightening dont strike the same place twice

when you and i said goodbye, i felt the angels cry

cuz true loves a gift, but we let it drift

in the storm, every night

i feel the angels cry

baby im missing you, dont allow our love to lose

we gotta ride it through, im reaching for you

dont allow our love to lose, we gotta ride it through

im reaching for you,

lightening dont strike, the same place twice

you and i, said goodbye

felt the angels cry

true love's a gift, but we let it slip

in a storm, every night

i feel the angels cry..

Oj.

please please pleaaaaase, i really want him!! he's so perfect, hes small but not stocky, hes mainly black, and hes a boy!! he would totally fit the name OJ. please God, let nobody else go after him and please let him be hypoallergenic. I miss having that companion. AND LOOK HOW FREAKING CUTE HE IS. oh laaawwwwd. me and him would be perfect together. lol RACHEL + OJ = LOVE. ahah kk imma stop now. schools going pretty good, and work aswell minus the fact my perkins manager SCOTT is a damn THEIF. Dont worry, lil scotty boy.. karmas a bitcch and its cominnngggg. talk to you soooon !!

blossoming daggers.

why must i always let myself go .. why must i always let his gene blossom in the heat of an argument. im sick of always fighting and having to make up in the morning. whats wrong with me ? this temper is not normal and at this point, completely uncontrollable. its like little things make me snap or provoke me to say something i know is going to trigger a fight yet i do it over and over again. please God help me conquer this so that it wont drive daggers into all my meaningful relationships. much love

♥

a.keys & lore'l

from afar, seems i had it all

but it doesnt mean anything

since your gone ..

i know i pushed you away

what can i do to save our love

take these material things,

they dont mean nothing

ts you that i want
♥

my life would be easy ..

if we could party all the time n sleep all day

nd throw all of my problems away

my life would be easy

i would drink and go out, out with my crew

party all the time, yeaahp thats what id do

mack models, pop bottles, live like, like a shiek

party monday through sunday,, everyday of the week

i dont give a fuck, imma bout to get loose

imma take, take, take shots, get drunk off that goooose

imma live my fucking life, imma party all night

all day any time, i dont care if it's right

ring ring ring, hello hello hello

my phone go ring a ling ling ding a ling a ling, ling

hooney, i got something for you baby

cause if im calling at 2 in the morning

it only means one thing baaaby .

so put it all over me, all over me

tell me where you wanna go, tell me how you wanna feel

baby, we could do it fast, baby, we can do it slow

tell me where you wanna go, tell me where you wanna be

cause if im calling at 2 in the morning,

it only means one thing baaaaaabyy.

bootycall.

youOFdubb.

Rachel Gebremichael is officially a student at the University of Winnipeg.

WOOOW , that feels good to say . its like i finally got my life started .. im on my way to the top baaby n i cant be stopped. so i woke up today early took my time gettin ready yet i was still dead on time , which means .. seat-wise LATE . i had to sit on a fucking stool ! ANYWAYS im dropping that class possibly. just going to check out my business n statistics class n then make my decision .. my psych class tho , on tha other hand was chill , such a hot guy in it but thats not tha reason i like it , lol im not going to lie .. one of the reasons is that i have a fucking seat lol .. anyways i saw freddie n them after class walking to my car n hes like "hey, u go here" n im like "yea man u" n hes like "naaaw" ahahahaha wtf u doin on campus then u crackhead !! lol oh n guess who he was wid, CHRIS .. yea that chris .. looking like a DAMN FOOOL at that. ahahah oh lord i have not seen that kid since the draaama . lolololol fools. anyways im determined to get to class 30 minutes early so i can look for it n get a fucking seat. ahah fucking seaaatzzz ! then on top of that i waited in a musical-chair line up for almost like an hour n a half to get my student id n I LOOK LIKE A FOOL .. but then i guess everyone does.. at least my hairs flat ahahah . oh lord but yeaa yet to see hotties except the psych one . ill keep my eyes open thats forsure. much love ♥

xO.r

lie to me, baby ♥

dear lie

you suck

you said you could fix anything

instead im fucked

you made things even worse for me

if i had balls id tell you get away from me

guess im not smart

i let you unnerve me

i let you control me

afraid the truth would hurt me

when its you that hurts me more

♥ tlc -

ben gebremichael

i need to find you but i dont know where to start and even what to say. maybe just that i love you, and even tho i havent seen or heard from you in over 10 years, i miss you. most of all i just want to tell you, that without you; my life would be drastically different, for the worst. you saved my life and theres no way i can repay you.

lets go back.

you break my heart; i break your heart
you pull my love; ill rip yours apart
you say something real mean to me; ill tounge out your whole family
its crazy how trust is so much, that i end up hating your guts
everyday your love was so good, but every minute that passes gets worse
tell me what am i suppossed to do

ive built my whole world around you.

where ever you are ♥.

i swore to myself, i would never get that drunk again .. to the point when you dont have control over your body. to the point where you are not monitoring what comes out of your mouth. to the point where your bent out of the car throwing up. to the point where people have to tell you, the next day, what actually happened. why would someone sacrifice whats so important to them for a random hookup ? im lucky nothing actually happened, but i can easily see how being that intoxicated could be putting myself in danger. im lucky nothing happened this time, but whats to say about next ? most all of my friends had sex for the very first time while drunk, and God only knows thats the last thing i want. for the first time in my life im thinking so far ahead, maybe its cause im starting school soon ? for the first time in my life im yearning for a relationship with God, maybe its cause i see how much happier and more blessed believers are ? i cant say i quit drinking, cause i havent. i cant say i dont smoke, cause i do. but what i can say is that its becoming less and less attrative to me everyday.

future love.

do you ever think about your wedding day? whether, itll be indoors or outside? if you'll make it intimate or a big celebration? or, if you'll have 3,4, or 5 bridemaids? i do. all the time. i wonder what ill be doing 11pm, the night before my wedding. or what colours ill incorporate in the most important day of my life. more importantly, i wonder about the groom. who will i spend the rest of my life with? share my mind, body, and soul.. solely with? who will be the man i learn to cook for, clean, and bare children for? what is he doing right now? lol since its 11pm on a saturday night, is he out getting drunk, at a club? will he hook up with a girl tonight or is he at home, just chillin? do i know him already? oh lord, HAHA i hope not! see, i think about these things all the time, because im saving so much for him, i just pray to God he's worth it!! for god sakes im going to spend the rest of my life with him! ahhhhhh, sjkfdhsdjkfhksdjfh im so proud of myself and the fact that im able to give him the most important thing to me and only to him .. and the fact that i worked so hard to keep it although temption was lurking near many MANY times.. i can only pray that God will provide me with the strength to hold on to it til i meet that special guy. to say that ive only been with my husband, my bestfriend, and the guy ill spend the rest of my life with, is truly a blessing.

infidelity.

how do you fix a love undone

how you even know if you're fit to love someone

and when you decide to take that ride

can you drive from the passengers side

one wheel in the middle

four hands on it

two sets of breaks

you decide to slame on it

god damn, where the love go ?

whip crash will you get whiplash

sit back cause you cant get shit back

but think if you tried to get what you just had

im mad at facts

and you cant be mad at that

no, you cant be mad at that

the interlude ♥

even though your all alone,
all i know when i am gone.

i just wanna keep u warm
im comin back, im comin back.

yes ill be there, yes ill be there.

cause when im all alone, i think about your face
and how i wanna touch, your so far away

im so..

all i wanna do is, give you all of me now
are you ready, are you reaady.

dbaaaaaaaaaaby.

143.

i see your face in my mind as i drive away
cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
people are people, nd sometimes we change our minds
but its killing me to see you go after all this time

music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
its the kind of ending you dont really want to see
cause its tragedy and it'll only bring you down
now i dont know what to be without you around

and we know its never simple, never easy
never a clean break, no one here to save me
you're the only thing i know like the back of my hand
and i cant breathe without you, but i have to
breathe without you, but i have to

never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
every little bump in the road i tried to swerve
people are people and sometimes it doesnt work out
nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

and we know its never simple, never easy
never a clean break, no one here to save me
you're the only thing i know like the back of my hand
and i cant breathe without you, but i have to
breathe without you, but i have to

its 2am, feels like i just lost a friend
hope you know its not easy, easy for me
its 2am, feelin like i just lost a friend
hope you know this aint easy, easy for me

and we know its never simple, never easy
never a clean break, no one here to save me,
and i cant breathe without you, but i have to
breathe without you, but i have to

we love you, michael

the memorial for michael jackson was today. the ceremony radiated the most genuine vibe ever while he was acknowledged by greats like nelson mandalay and the first african american president, barack obama. michael jackson, the greatest performer of all time was honoured by 20,000 people inside the staples centre in Los Angeles, Ca and millions all over the world. it was said that 1 billion people were tuned in to watch and pay respect to the king of pop. as mariah carey, usher, stevie wonder, lionel richie, jennifer hudson, and his brother, jermaine jackson took the stage to perform .. there was not one dry eye in the building. it was simply beautiful and ended with everyone on stage, including his family nd children, singing 'we are the world' co-compossed by michael jackson, himself. he was appreciated and acknowledged today for what people seemed to overlook while he was alive. his humanitarism was encouraging to everyone to take a look at the, 'man in the mirror and make a change'. the ceremony was closed by some heart touching words spoken by marlon jackson and ended with eleven year old paris katherine michael jackson. it was beautiful. but in the midst of all this sadness, we must not mourn his life .. but celebrate it for we had the oppurtunity to be amoungst a living legend. he really is gone to soon.

r.i.p michael joseph jackson
1958-2009
we love you.

im feeling good, as the world keeps crashin doown <3

I KNOW, I KNOW. i havent written in here for like ever. so here it is, A REAL ENTRY.
hmm, so lets catch up. mom went to tha states this weekend so i had tha house to myself !! friday went to check out hifi wid deb nd sonal, shit was so weak so we met up wid debs boy nd his friends at tavern and went back to drink nd chill at their house. didnt end up going gettin home til like 5ish eveeen tho SONAL was being bunk and left at like 1 or 2ish ? like wtf. ohh well, it was fun tho. then saturday chilled at home with a frieeend and watched a movie. he ended up unintentionally sleeping over but it was all gee. had fun. yesterday night i totally ended up standin grant up. felt so bad, probably go see a movie wid him tomorrow ? yeee , .. know whats fuckd ? how small this fuckin world is.. like grant meeting abdi and freddie, smokin a j wid em, and them exchangin numbers like all buddy buddy ! fuck winnipeg and its small party scene. oh well no beef wid freddie or abdi, just kinda drifted ? ahah yeee, thats what it was. chillin today cuz isaiah nd tikvah came over. in regards to this "sister" of mine getting my hopes up thinkin she wanted to get to fuckin know me asdfjkhsdkjfhdks, ya no reply. but like tha saying goes: fool me once, shame on you ; fool me twice, shame on me. no fuckin lie, im emotionally removin myself from anything that has to do with that girl. on a happier note; im excited to start schoool baaby baabeeh !! seriously seeing this as a new beginning. probably going to quit one of my jobs.. dont know which one its going to be cuz ive been fuckin up at claires and perkins people are pissin me off. aka DAVE YOU FUCKIN DIRTY, LOW LIFE, NASTY PEICE OF SHIT. ahah wooooooooo, that was nice. unless he gets transfered .. its lookin like perkins gotttaaa go !! its weird tho, one of tha reasons im so excited to start school is cuz i look around and i see almost everyone of my friends fuckin up their lifes which does nothing but fuel my ambition. watch from the sidelines, nd only the sidelines. mama taught me weelll ya digggg ?! dang im feeling good, like all this little pettyness around me doesnt even get to me no more. im jusss chillin, yennooo ? seems like even tho hes gone, im level headed and i see things from different perspectives.. like my own, for once. dont get it twisted cuz i miss the shit out of him, and i wish he was here.. but this is good for me. i love my best friends, i love my mom, and my brother just as much. oooh and dont forget my sizzzurd, on that CAPTAIN MORGAN tippp nawmeeeen ? LOTSOFLOVE.

hoolla,
xO.r

passing of a TRUE legend.

LONG LIVE THE KING.

ilu mj.
<3

fck 303 & 720.

COLORADO ?

wtfff is up with that place ?! it has my father and now d ?!?!?!?!!!

dfjhdkjfhkjdsfhlkasdjfhksdjfhladhf

fck the nuggets, fck my father, fck d, fck tha mountains, fck carmelo

& EVRYTHIN ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH CO.

its true what tha say, you dont know what yu have til its gone

<|3

ilikeyourshirt. (:

love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday

♥

you dont need no one else

my babygirl is havin a babygirl .. or boy . im so excited for this new page in her life. although it was not at the best time or with the best guy.. or even a decent guy.. uggh but its a blessing nonetheless. i cant wait to see gods gift to my best friend, gabrielle penniston ! my only wish was that she woulda gotten to know this guy, "Guy" LOL.. a lil bit better before takin this big step with him. but not everythin is planned, and i know she will be a perfect mother with or without Guy. IM AN AUNTYY Y`AAALL ! ahahah hoollla atchoo nigga, im excited. i pray that these dumb ass niggas will stop stressin out gab and my lil baby. i pray that God will be with gabby every step of the way cuz she cant do it without you. i also pray that this baby will not make gabby loose sight of her goals and aspirations. lots of love.



hoolla,

xO.r

i wont stop til tha buildin shakes

you can make the rain fall
not returnin your calls
you dont know, you dont know
i didnt want to go fast
now im fallin off track
your steady, so steady

i lock tha doors and close my blinds
i dont want no one to see me
i turn my stereo up high
so that no one can hear me

bangin on the walls
cuz i dont know what else to do
they dont fall down
bangin on the walls,
prentendin these walls are you
they dont fall down, they dont fall down

sorry excuse for a post

sorry i havent wrote here for a while, everythings been kinda goin at a fast pace. i dont even know where to start and game 3 of lakers nd orlando series is on right now. so i dont have time to write anything buuut uhh , here are tha topics that i need to catch you up on maybe tomorrow or the day after..

- baby news
- basement updates
- claires position
- sisters turn around, or lack thereof
- uhh see im forgetting already ..

let me get at you laterr .

xO.r

p.s. sorry for the shitty post =/ .. just needed to put SOMETHING down ahah . til next time <3

villian love,

and sometimes it like ..
your only "the one" cuz your the only one here
convieniently in love, cuz your the only one near
my greatest fear? is that it doesnt get any better,
like im searching for the address to an anonymous letter
can i be the one for some, who is done being young ?
is there such a thing, as that scene is my dreams ?
when hes the king and im the queen..
i do the dishes, he mowes the lawn, he goes to work and i stay at home
old fashion love, you know ?
and sometimes i think, its not meant to be cuz i feel complete .. when its just me

and so it seems the man in my dreams, is still in love,
feels like im stealing love, like a villian love,
cuz hes real in love, and i dont know the feeling
i just wish it was me, i miss being me ..

i miss being me, Ms.Always be freee !
who laughed til it hurt, and always found peace
i miss my smile, that sparkle in my eye
my voice that said "it'll be alright" when i cried
i miss being free, Ms.Always be ME, has died

d

remember the first day i saw your face
remember the first day when you smiled at me
you stepped to me, then you said to me
i was the woman you dreamed about
remember the first day you called my house
remember the first day when you took me out
we had butterflies, although we tried to hide it
and we both had a beautiful night

remember the first day, the first day we kissed
remember the first day we had an argument
we apologized and then we comprimised
and we havent argued since
remember the first day we stopped playing games
remember the first day you fell in love with me
it felt so good for you to say those words
cause i felt the same way too

i know that he loves me cuz he told me so
i know that he loves me cuz his feelings show
when he stares as me, you see he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
i know that he loves me cuz its obvious
i know that he loves me cuz its me he trusts
and hes missing me, if hes not kissing me

... and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell his soul

hold me down & be my gravity .

HYPOTHETICALLY
-
-
-
uofmanitoba/winnipeg:
600 per course (roughly) x 4 (amount of courses) = 2400 per semester.
2400 x 2 semesters = roughly 5000 an academic year w/ books.

total = $5ooo

5000 - 5ooo = $O

uofregina:
600 per course (roughly) x 4 (amount of courses) = 24oo
2400 x 2 semesters = roughly 5ooo an academic year w/ books.
+
residency rate for 2 bedroom apartment : 4 installments x $644 = 2576
2576 x 2 semesters = 5152

total = 5152 + 5ooo = 10152

10152 - 5ooo (my scholarship fund) = $5152

-------------------

realistically, this looks impossible but with my moms $5000 scholarship fund she set out for me it cuts the cost in half.. i didnt realize that it was doubled. but seriously i need to get out of this fucking city and all these fucking people. i could get a serving job out there and live off tips and only work like 2 or 3 times a week. but then theres food costs, bus pass, daily neccessaties, and what not. shit adds up. i cant do this alone.

xO.r

out of my element.

i told myself that i would make some changes

but the more i change,

theres on thing that remains the same

i cant seem to shake ya

you seem to really have a hold on me

and everytime that we break up

we turn around and make up

this cant go on now

i gotta move on now

its not the fact that i dont love you no more

but i gotta break this bad habit

cant take this bad habit no more

works not doin to well, homes kinda stressful aswell, and on top of that im goin thru withdrawal. its friday night and im on the computer .. need i say more ? i misssss your face .

xO.r

wish i can keeep yu much longer .

blaaaaaahh , so ummm .. friday night i went to hifiiii saw like all the cooks from perkins .. which was kinda awkward . speaking of awkward .. i really dont appreciate bitches calling my phone trying to tell me what i saw. like im sorry bitch, i know what i saw and i dont value the opinions of those i dont respect. that goes for her and that punk ass nigga. anyways, got so fuckin blixxed on sunday in gc mall parking lot. lol just a major seshh. felt so goood, to get all tha bullshit off my mind for once. seems like even after friday, thats all i can ever think of. youd think itd make it easier.. but no. anyways, workin at claires for half an hour so that jean can have a break. then off to perkins for 5pm. kiomi left to newyoork this morning and i slept thru it .. felt so bad but i was on tha phone all night and was so exhausted. anyways imma get ready for work. lots of love <3

hooolla,
xO.r

asdfghjkl;'

FCK YU

thank God, its done.

i<3OSBOURNEVILLAGE

im feeling like the world is leaning on me

so am i worth it, baby come on after me

but if its meant to be, then we'll wait and see

if theres a possibility, possibility that tomorrow..

woaah , fucked up night. it started up with a simple dinner at boston pizza, then ended up shot gunnin beers in a back alley in osbourne village with uofw students i didnt know. my hair was straight and it was raining, and get this .. i HAD NO HOOD ! lol but for some odd reason my hair didnt blow up. i was so surprised it was holding up under the pressure. lol but thats not the fucked up part. we stood shotgunnin beers for like almost 2 hours behind the fuuckin cold beer store in the village with crazy people EVERYWHERE. aha me nd jena were extremely paranoid and i was huurtin for a joint but the people we were wid were straight up white boys, nd yu knoow white boys love their alcoohol. anyways it ended off with us going to the toad, and then me getting pulllllled overrr !! im not getting into that tho for obvious reasons. but anyways friday, we went to mybar .. first time ever there. it was okaaay =/ . so much BLASTED white people, like gabby warned me but daaaang .. im pretty sure the only black people were me, rj, raymond, nicole, and roseanne. seriously .. the rest were white. so yee we got pretty wasted .. had my first mac wrap ( nd yes, its all its cracked up to be <3

p.s. why is it, im just starting to miss him now. i mean, realllly miss him . ):

hoolla,

xO.r

double-fisted.

i wanna say come over

but i told you that its over

i cant just let you leave

im caught up in this lovers thing

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

gone to mybar. gone to get sloshed. gone to clear my head.

hoolla,

xO.r

colours of the rainbow - dj skeptyk

heller . whats new ? hmm , i got tha email i was waiting for. made me sad and happy at the same time. safe to say i was emotionally unstable. more sad news is jena quit claires ! i honestly didnt see this coming .. i thought she was a lifer but she got another, better job at jim gauthier's car dealership which is a pretty dope job which also means .. theres an assistant managing spot that was given to kerri !! which is like awesome cuz kerris sucha a highlyfe and chillin. even more chilliiinn then jena, nd thats pretty motherfuckin chillin. on a side note : whats with every guys name being chris ? seriously, 20yrs ago was there no other name ? like i officially hate the name chris. lol not only is sexy dishwashers name chris, but this guy who i just met's name is also chris, nd dont get me started on tha past chris's .. the names actually becoming a bit of a turn off. no more chris` in my life, ok God ?

p.s. i love my brother !

hoolla,
xO.r

6939 days down ,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME .

its 9oclock nd i just got home , getting ready to go back out ? yeee w.e . shits been weak so far. so much dissappointments but then again .. what shoudve i expected ?! accidently hung up on grant when he was on a payphone. =/ hoope he calls back !! lots of love .

hoolla,

xO.r

womp woomp woooomp ,

incompatible, it dont matter tho

cuz someones bound to hear my cry

speak out if you do

your not easy to find

is it possible, mr.loveable

is already in my life

right in front of my

or maybe your in disguise

who doesnt long for,

some one to hold

who knows how to love you

without being told

shouldnt i be excited ? its one week til my birthday nd honestly it feels like a burden. weird, i know. im usually like on top of my birthday. counting down tha days, planning a night out wid tha girls. but this year its my girls comin up to me askin what we gon do. i kinda feel like i wanna chill wid a bottle, by myself to celebrate. jus pass out in tha comfort of my room. like reading that last line over, its twisted. depressing, even. i dont know whats gotten into me. i dont even kno if i wanna go out for dinner. i mean, all i want is a few little things for it and i know im not going to get them. forexamp, a jeannies cake, a pack of like 50 blank cds, musiq soulchilds cd "onmyradio", and day26's cd "forever in a day". my dream gift would be if my mom surprised me wid a trip to saskatoon. i need to see my brothers face, yet for some reason he doesnt want to see us. he thinks its a burden for us to drive there and stay in a hotel and he doesnt want to do that to us. but honestly, it came to the point where seeing him will be doing more for me, than for him. i feel like just going there, and ignoring his wishes but how selfish would that be ? hopefully in the next 7 days something will happen. anything. good or bad. i just need a little texture in my life. it just feels so predictable and i hate being predictable. something to get my mind off of him would be nice. the one thing i want, is the one thing i cant have. lots of love.

hoolla,

xO.r

1st & armistad

i found god, on the corner of 1st and armistad

where tha west was all but won

all alone, smoking my last cigarette

i said, where yu been.

he said he can ask me tha same

where were yu, when everything was falling apart

all my days were spent by the telephone, that never rang

and all i needed was a call, that never came

to the corner of 1st and armistad

lost and insecure, you found me. you found me.

lying on the floor, surrounded. surrounded.

whyd yu have to wait, where were you. where were you.

just a little late, you found me. you found me.

the early morning, the city breaks

and I've been calling for years and years and years

and you never left me no messages

you never sent me no letters

you got some kind of nerve

taking all I want

no regrets is how i wanna live my life. i keep reaching out and making the initial move to establish a relationship with my own flesh and blood, sister .. yet all i get is high hopes to only get let down in the end. i cant live my life knowing i have a sister and brother out there that i do not have a bond with, without trying my hardest to make one. in this matter, yu cant have no pride cuz i kno, years from now i will regret the fact i didnt try harder, and regret is not how i wanna live my life. ill let yu kno how it goes. lots of love.

holla

xO.r

claires + perkins

over time, pictures fade

all thats left are these empty frames

sleepless nights, and stormy days

and all thats left are these empty frames ..

still working. still doin me. havent drank in so long. havent went out clubbin in so long. i seriously think Gods trying to isolate me. i never have the energy, and if one night i do .. the plans will fuck up or ill have to work early in the morning. been goin hard in my music. gotta learn how to channel my negative energy into something positive. going to start running tomorrow morning. anyways, been realizin that its over. its been fun while it lasted but its safe to say it is, indeed, over. its weird cuz i can almost hear the applaus. anyways, my basements almost done. mad excittzz for my room. so excited to deeeck it out. shits gon be live. anyways speakin of live, i kno whats not going to be .. my birthday. i dont want it to be so soon. i wanna get straight first. lord knows im not in the mood to be celebrating anything. neeeeeeed to get outta this city. s`poossed to go to chicago wid gabbz but it turned into detriot. hopefully this shit falls thru. i need to get out of this city. its not even a question. anyways im tired. going to try and catch some college hill. lots of love.

hoolla,

xO.r

fiftaayn days.

interesting couple of days, thas forshooore. lol lets start with monday. linked up wid grant nd gabby .. did tha usual ate wings drank some daquiries and saw strippers. ahah jk tha last ones not tha usual but we did. lol its was seriously such a whack night and we wanted to keep our buzz a lil longer so we went to the gentlemens club. i was surprised how much people were there and like 18-21 year olds. somehow i always thought tha age range there would mostly be 35-50 year old single men. but booooy, was i wrong. although its wasnt gabz and grants first time, IT WAS MINE aka i was pretty shook. i was uncomfortable, giggly, and very germ cautious not to mention wide-eyed. like what happend to the old fashion dinner nd a movie ? ahah whoooa , but somehow i feel like i need to go again to redeem myself. lol show them that i can play it coooooooool in the midst of nudity. bahahah , anyways i woke up wid a bruise on my forearm, not going to say how that happened cuz i knoo from the bottom of my heart it was completely unintentional. lol so on a COMPLETELY different note yesterday i had a really good time wid my lil cousins yesterday. picked up nahum, isaiah, abel, zeru, abby, amen, wid tsion and took em out to eat some wings and then went to see hotel for dogs. movie suckd ass but tha kids seemed to like it. anyways on tha way back tha roads got really bad and it took us a while to drop them all off considering they all live on opposite sides of the city lol. but it was worth it to see them all together having a good time. next outing, prolly summer if im here.
anywaaaayz update on tha bro , doing better than ever ! i cant wait for tha day hes here and we can finally start being a family again . my birthdays in a couple weeks, and all i want is to go to saskatoooon to visit my other half. nd the day 26 forever in a day cd. nd a pack of like 50 blank cds. lol jk, but anyways imma dipset, gotta get ready for my bullshit 2hr shift at work. lots of loove <3

hoolla,
xO.r

my loves gunna last just as long as my high .

i think the phrase, why are you mad ? is the worst thing you can say to someone who is, in fact mad at you. um, for starters .. i did you a favour and took your shift when i didnt want to, because you needed to study. the only reason why i took it was cuz you offered me a ride there and back and, again .. for you to study. not sleep or do whatever you did that night. since my aunt was at my house and offered to drive me there .. again, doing you a favour. you only now, needed to pick me up. so im at work, and hours before my shift ends i decide to call you and remind you. no answer. i text. no answer. i leave a voicemail. no call back. i had no change, and our work ATM was down so not only did i have to take the bus but i had to run place to place looking for a place who does cashback. what type of bullshit is that ? at least answer my call and let me know so i can get my shit together. anyways i woulda gotten over it easily, if i wouldnt have gotten a text the next morning from you saying, hey sorry bout last night i fell asleep, what you doing today ? like uhh, not talking to you. followed by a text saying, why are you so mad ? hdgjhfgjkSDfg. that text put me in a bad place. i just hate unreliable people, especially when i thought she was one of, or even my most reliable friend. even more than that, i hate people who dont recognize their mistakes, man up and apologize. this situation coulda been avoided with just the slightest bit of effort. honestly when your younger, you have so much friends.. only later in life you realize whos really there. and at my age, i have no time for unreliable people. cant wait to get out of this city. foreaaaaaaaaal. ive been in this city for too damn long. this situation is just a logical vent for me. i cant wait for time to pass so my feelings for him will faade. anyways. day 26's new album 'forever in a day' is coming out right before my birthday. i want it, i want it, i want it.

xO.r

baggage claim

so friday at 4 i get a call from the paramedics sayin my moms been in a car accident, scared the shit outta me til i saw her at tha health science hospital and she was completely fine, thank god. only has some muscles pain which is extremely unbelievable if you saw the car. completely wrecked . autopac called and wrote it off. we were prayin to get at least 5 g`z for it but they called givin us 7. ahah but our ghetto asses are pushin for 8 . lol never satisfied. speakin on never satisfied, im still working two jobs, worked at claires and perkins yesterday but just workin at claires today. paaydays on fridaay wooooo baby !! im still looking for that perfect leather jacket. found 2 new styles at dynamite and le chateau but im still loooooooking for one similar to jennifer hudsons in the music video spotlight lol . GOTTA SIGN ON FOR UOFM SUMMER SESSIONS ! seriously i need to get this shit done. anyways i work soon so imma watch some good ol` dr.phil. lots of loove .

xO.r

shes just stuck in houstatlantavegas .

im not scared of lions, nd tigers, nd bears

but im scared of lovin yu

im not scared to perform at a sold out affair

but im scared of lovin yu

am i the only one who thinks its an impossible task?

why it dont last? is that too much to ask?

why do we love, love

when love seems to hate us ?

sorry if i sound so filled with gloom

you said you care i know you do

but this is from experience

and my conclusion only makes sense

just cuz i like you and you like me

it doesnt mean that we're meant to be

i can climb mountains, swim cross the seas

but the most frightening thing is you and me

im not scared of lions, nd tigers, nd bears
but im scared of lovin yu
im not scared to perform at a sold out affair
but im scared of lovin yu

am i the only one who thinks its an impossible task?
why it dont last? is that too much to ask?
why do we love, love
when love seems to hate us ?

most circumstances, i know my fate

but in this love thing, i dont get the game

why does it feel like those who give in

they only wind up losing a friend ?

-

-

worked 4hrs at claires then 7hrs at perkins yesterday then woke up this morning and did the perkins thing again for 5hrs nd workin at claires tomorroow. feels good when yu think bout tha money .. but daamn , this shits exhausting. seems like my life is slowly turnin into an all work no play typa life. anywaaays , hopefully im goin out tonight wid grant nd gab , i need some chill time. cant wait for my birthday & the summer .. think i might hit the road wid the ex again . make some major flow and leave this god forsaken city. anyways lots of love <3

hooolla ,
xO.r

so far gone.

its funny when you come in first, but you hope that you last - yu just hope that it last.

so im obessed with this mixtape. i cant even function. when i hear it i lose control. complete control. i dont purchase cds, i burn but i cannot wait to wake up tomorrow and rape this city looking for it. its like audibal crack. ahaha just when i want to start cutting down on the secular music, drake gotta drop this banger. so what new ? working everyday. literally, my first day off in like 2 weeks is tomorrow. ive been sitting here foreverr , in this fuckin chair cuz i cant bring myself to leave this fucking mixtape. LOL anyways, went to church this morning wid mom. very refreshing. bought my bro a bunch of books, cd, etc. from hulls and sent it today. never thought id say this but i wish i was more like him. lol anyways so i just realized ive been listenin to this goddamn mixtape for 3 hours. and i feel like i havent even scratched the surface. seriously the best modern mixtape ive heard. point blank period. but what else can i expect from drake. fucking insane. lol anyways on a totally different note, my basement just started getting built. im so excited for my new room and i pretty much have everything picked out. shits gonna be tight. purple & black is gon be my theme. only concern is it might be too dark. anyways imma get up, cuz this shits unhealthy. try to turn this shit off. now i just cant wait for, thank me later.. what the fuck are they feeding this kid. hes addicting.

hoolla ,
xO.r

welcome to my coorner <3

weeeent shopping ! my favorite thing to do ever, so automatically my day started off good. got like 5 shirts, most of them for work but a couple juuust cause. finally got my pretty purple purse and a a new guess waallet ! jeezus , that was loong overdue. my purse don already been rippin`. spent so much time at tha mall nd got this craaaazy heart burn. like dang, i thought i was going to die and i didnt eat anything, like cereal for breakfast.. i dunno if it was my throat problem thingy or not.

FUUUCK MY WHOLE POST GOT DELETED.

MOTHEEERFUCKEER

SJDGHJFGFGJHDASDHFGJASDFHGDJFGDFHGDH

im on tha killa shit .

so i went to pick up my mom from my aunts/uncles, i could tell she didnt want to go out to dinner but instead eat injera wid tha fam, so w/e that was iight wid me and instead i took my little cousins abby nd zeru out for wings , had wid those little guys. i brought my moms gift in bekas house hid it in my jacket and told her i had a card for her. with the card alone she was crying and when i whipped out tha gift she was so surprised. she opend it and started screaming. it was all worth it. i went to my aunts yesterday too and watched role models, and then went to lisas and watched 7 pounds again. i had my interview on tuesday, it went sooo well, the general manager seems so cool. orientation is tonight at 7oclock. LOL and ME AND LISA got hired ahah, but were putting our friendship on tha low for a bit aha. making 9.50 an hour to start which is reaaal good. went to cd plus and ordered songs for the storm vol.1 and the re-birth of kirk franklin for my broo . caant wait til he gets out , missing him like crazy. anyways gotta clean my room ..

hoolla
xO.r

go mama, its yr birthday, we gon sip bicardi like its yr birthday [8]

-

-

Happy Birthday Mom !

iLOVELOVELOVE yu ,

so, as you can tell its my mothers 46th birthday . got her a digital camera & goin out to dinner . should be chill . spent the weekend pretty much at my aunty nd uncle's house due to the passin of my aunt beka's brother. pro's : got to spend alot of time wid my family. got to remember today's my moms day. nothing else has my attention aka nothing else matters. i wont even take my cell out with me, if thats what it takes to get you off my mind. but im out, gotta run some errands. lots of love ♥

p.s. YAY STEEEELERS ! better luck next time, cardinals. :P

hooolla,

xO.r

in my mind ..

imagine seeing him on the town

holding another hand

shes staring me down

so i figure that he told her who i am

but it dont matter either way

what they do or say

`cause aint nothing changed

hes standing with her

but his soul's callin out my name

in my mind, ill always be his lady

in my mind, ill always be his girl

saw his mama just the other day

said he'd been thru a spell

had a bad break-up

thinks he's on his way up - its hard to tell

she said i think it'd do some good

if you call him every now and then

you see he's been through some things

and im thinking he could really use a friend

in my mind ill always be his lady

in my mind, ill always be his girl

only time will tell if im his lady

but in my mind ill always be his girl

they say if you love something you've got to let it go

and if it comes back then, it means so much more

but if it never does, at least you will know

that it was something you had to go through to grow

thugz mansion ,

can we please have a moment for the children ?

who got raped, murdered, or trapped in the system,

who never knew their father, never learnt to dream

but was guided by drug dealers, killers, and crack fiends

for single mothers thats's forced to play mom and dad

bustin her ass to give her kids shit she never had

for my niggaz in the pen hopin rhymes will get them signed

so when released they can say bye to a life of crime

for every mother that held a son in the street bleeding

crying a song of sorrow too dark and deep for speakin

just a moment outside the day to day struggle

to let the ones we really care about know that

we love them

rest in paradise ; sirak "shaggy" rezene & lahai "hotsauce" konteh

" is there a spot for us to roll, if you find it ill be right behind ya,

show me nd ill go "

some deeper than others.

letting go of all the ones who hurt me,

cuz they never did deserve me

can you imagine me ?

saying no to thoughts that try to control me

remembering all you told me,

Lord, can you imagine me ?

over what my mom said

and healed from what my daddy did

i wanna live and not read that page again

has the time come , the time my mom has been praying for all our lives ? the time everyone has been praying for. i swear you have to hear it for yourself to believe. tell you the truth, i thought this day would never come. the day when i hear my brother preach to me, trying to convince me to go to church. isnt it supposed to be the other way around. how he just spits out bible verses after bible versus. im tried my hardest not to fall for another one of his "ive-changed" plots but theres definetly something different this time. a different tone, maybe? a kind of sincerity in his voice, that was never there before. all he ever does is read the bible and listen to kirk franklin's hero cd. he even gave away lil wayne's carter III cd, and the game's LAX cd. like those are the cd's he'd kill for. " i dont need it and you dont either " is what he said to me. but why do i feel like i do. my music is the most important thing to me. like sure i just started putting kirk franklin in the rotation but to completely eliminate it from my system. i feel like i can never do that. no matter how old i am, or how active i become in the church one day, baptized and all. i dont ever think i can do it. im addicted. i can substitute it for some kirk franklin, but kirk franklin is just one man. he doesnt have enough material for me to soley replace them. and for some reason, i dont like any other christian music except kirk franklin. what is the sin in wordly music if you are not influenced by the lyrics. but thats just the beginning, theres so many things i want to fix about myself so im not ashamed every time i step into church. its so hard to change yourself, when your doing it alone. my moms can never understand, and eyobs going through this transition locked up. in a way, i think he has it easier. i know that sounds selfish, but he doesnt have the constant teasing every night by friends who just dont understand what your trying to do. and i dont blame them at all. no means no right? but theres NOOOTHING else to do. i wish there was a bigger youth at church, like other cities. itd be much easier to make friends who can relate and have more in common with. friends who you dont have to hold your tongue when your around them. friends who you can talk about your past experiences, good and bad, with, without them viewing you different or judging you. even them having their own to share would make it a lot easier to open up. it feels like im just spittin out excuses why i cant do it when theres so much reasons why i should. it seems selfish when i say theres a lot to sacrifice, when i kno theres a whole lot more to gain. i just dont want to be one of those people who sing in the church, get baptized, but still go out clubbin` because when you really do decide to make faith your number one priority, people will second guess your faith and not take you seriously. maybe i need to get all the "partying" out of my system. it sounds so terrible, but maybe its something that i seriously need to do. i dont know. i wish there was someone i could talk to. someone whos been through what im going through. advice would be nice. anyways, lots of love.

hoolla,

xO.r

not bad meanin bad, but bad meanin good .

a verse is just a verse to me ,

i keep it generic but

these niggaz take it personally .

cuut cut, snip snipp .. ya hear that ? thats tha sound of me cuttin mad drama outta my life.

click click, beep beep .. ya hear that? thats tha sound of madd numbers gettin deleted outta my cell.

ahah , and in tha words of my lyrical idol biggie smalls, ' it feels stupendous, tremendous '. anywaays, i went to tyc on saturday night and literally everyone was there .. seriously, name one person nd they were probably there. it was preetty bumping , mad drama tho. were all dancin and suddenly i look over and this guy beside me starts bleeding outta his nose. like a fuckin water gun, that shit was comin out thick. sad thing was this guy was so confused. he was just a little white boy who didnt do anything, but mike v. fuckin popped him one. it was intense and i felt so bad cuz alla mikes homeboys like jordan, chris, reinelle nd all them other crazy asians starts circlin this guy. mike looked like he was ready to kill him and its probably cuz he bumped into him or something. lol pooor little white boy, im pretty sure one of his little friends` eyes were tearing up. ahah shit, i woulda shat my paants. ahhh , and i knew i would never live my yearbook quote down. "picture me rollin`" ahah wtf was wrong wid me ?! seriously, thats like my biggest regret and i hate hearing about it but sure enoough that night chris walks up to me and was like pissin himself like "PICTUURE ME ROLLIN AHAHAH THATS SO SERIOUS, FUCKIN HILARIOUS WOOW I SAW THAT." and later on "YOO RACHEL, IM PICTURIN YOU ROOLLIN HEY ?" ahaha fuuuuuuuuuck !! the only spliff i regret smokin is tha one i smoked right before i submitted my yearbook write up. so speakin of smokin spliffs, yesterday i talked to my brother on tha phone .. felt so good to hear him talk so positively about the future. the way he was spittin out bible versus` kinda scaryy, maybe even surreal. i guess, i need to see it for myself rather than hear it on the phone. maybe even need to put a face behind tha voice ?! id give anything to be 9 yrs old again, when he was 12 and life was just so blissful. i guess i just need to see it through, hopefully this whole "experience" (if you can even call it that) is over soon. and we can go back to being a little happy family. lord only knows how much i miss him. <3

hoolla ,

xO.r

posin` for tha camera like , bitch im tha one .

schooool is done ,

yee yee .

did my last exaam yesterday morning. so easy, it was quite ridiculous.. or maybe it was cuz i actually studied which i havent done since like .. preschool. i didnt even need my cheat notes; now thats a milestone. hopefully i can still apply for school ? probably too late . just going to do tha spring / summer course so i can atleast have something for next sem. works iight, realized how much money was in tha restaraunt bussiness for a server compared to retail. going to try and look for a second job as a waitress. also caught up wid s. went to moxies on friday for lunch and just talked forever. i forgot how much i missed her so im trying to do my best to try and keep it strong. i also came to realize how much i hate the city of winnipeg . and even tho bein a carni for tha summer aint all that glamerous .. you get to travel across tha country for free all summer & at tha same time make major flow . lol its got its perks .

24.01.09

yeaa , kinda left that one hanging. anywhoo , i just got my haircut . its shorter and more layers , nicer shape but i hate that its shorter. ill live. newaays , i think im going to tyc tonite .. errrones gon be there , should be bumpnnn . didnt do anything yesterday - chillin day wid fam . got another job at red lobster , which means maadd tips =D=D=D=D ! hope that works out since im not in school til april . so imma save maddd money these next few weeks and hopefully save enough so i dont have to go away for tha summer ? yee i doubt it but who knows. tryin ta go to ethiopia by the end of 09 . tryin to get a whip by tha end of 09 also . moms birthdays on tha 2nd , bought her a digital camera . doont kno what else to tell ya , been blazin alot .. can feel my brain cells slowly dye one by one ahaha real talk . anyways i hope tonites chillin and ill tell you bout it in tha morning . ♥

hoolla ,
xO.r

one girl savin` for marriage, the other - for carrabana .

your tha reason i dont change my number,

want yu to know its still tha same

boy i kno yu remember that summer - when we kicked it everyday .
dont know how it happend, it just happend

kinda like we faded awaay .

christmas was perfect, got everything i wanted. spent with family and my best friend. the holidays - happiest time of year. washin my hands of all tha bullshit and people who bring it ; even if that means 2 of the closest people to me. seems like it gets harder and harder to ignore the calls / text. i hate feeling vulnerable. to anyone and anything. seems like its happening more and more these days. i cant believe that you still havent emailed me back. you made me feel like you wanted to know about me, and that you might even have been showing remorse over the wasted time that passd. making me pour my heart out on an email, assuring me you wanted to kno. reluctant to push send, yet its been a month and no reply? first time shame on you, second : shame on me. wont let it happen again, my word. father hasnt called back either, and he also claimed he wanted to start fresh. but fuck it. your either in 100% or not at all. and clearly your not in it at all, seeing as you didnt even say merry christmas or happy new years. anyways, been offered a seat in an new networking business, dont know the details. got a meeting wid them at tha clarion hotel tonight @ 8. if its another way to stack it up ? im dizzoown . papaAh chaaser .

hoolla,

xO.r