some deeper than others.

letting go of all the ones who hurt me,

cuz they never did deserve me

can you imagine me ?

saying no to thoughts that try to control me

remembering all you told me,

Lord, can you imagine me ?

over what my mom said

and healed from what my daddy did

i wanna live and not read that page again

has the time come , the time my mom has been praying for all our lives ? the time everyone has been praying for. i swear you have to hear it for yourself to believe. tell you the truth, i thought this day would never come. the day when i hear my brother preach to me, trying to convince me to go to church. isnt it supposed to be the other way around. how he just spits out bible verses after bible versus. im tried my hardest not to fall for another one of his "ive-changed" plots but theres definetly something different this time. a different tone, maybe? a kind of sincerity in his voice, that was never there before. all he ever does is read the bible and listen to kirk franklin's hero cd. he even gave away lil wayne's carter III cd, and the game's LAX cd. like those are the cd's he'd kill for. " i dont need it and you dont either " is what he said to me. but why do i feel like i do. my music is the most important thing to me. like sure i just started putting kirk franklin in the rotation but to completely eliminate it from my system. i feel like i can never do that. no matter how old i am, or how active i become in the church one day, baptized and all. i dont ever think i can do it. im addicted. i can substitute it for some kirk franklin, but kirk franklin is just one man. he doesnt have enough material for me to soley replace them. and for some reason, i dont like any other christian music except kirk franklin. what is the sin in wordly music if you are not influenced by the lyrics. but thats just the beginning, theres so many things i want to fix about myself so im not ashamed every time i step into church. its so hard to change yourself, when your doing it alone. my moms can never understand, and eyobs going through this transition locked up. in a way, i think he has it easier. i know that sounds selfish, but he doesnt have the constant teasing every night by friends who just dont understand what your trying to do. and i dont blame them at all. no means no right? but theres NOOOTHING else to do. i wish there was a bigger youth at church, like other cities. itd be much easier to make friends who can relate and have more in common with. friends who you dont have to hold your tongue when your around them. friends who you can talk about your past experiences, good and bad, with, without them viewing you different or judging you. even them having their own to share would make it a lot easier to open up. it feels like im just spittin out excuses why i cant do it when theres so much reasons why i should. it seems selfish when i say theres a lot to sacrifice, when i kno theres a whole lot more to gain. i just dont want to be one of those people who sing in the church, get baptized, but still go out clubbin` because when you really do decide to make faith your number one priority, people will second guess your faith and not take you seriously. maybe i need to get all the "partying" out of my system. it sounds so terrible, but maybe its something that i seriously need to do. i dont know. i wish there was someone i could talk to. someone whos been through what im going through. advice would be nice. anyways, lots of love.

hoolla,

xO.r

not bad meanin bad, but bad meanin good .

a verse is just a verse to me ,

i keep it generic but

these niggaz take it personally .

cuut cut, snip snipp .. ya hear that ? thats tha sound of me cuttin mad drama outta my life.

click click, beep beep .. ya hear that? thats tha sound of madd numbers gettin deleted outta my cell.

ahah , and in tha words of my lyrical idol biggie smalls, ' it feels stupendous, tremendous '. anywaays, i went to tyc on saturday night and literally everyone was there .. seriously, name one person nd they were probably there. it was preetty bumping , mad drama tho. were all dancin and suddenly i look over and this guy beside me starts bleeding outta his nose. like a fuckin water gun, that shit was comin out thick. sad thing was this guy was so confused. he was just a little white boy who didnt do anything, but mike v. fuckin popped him one. it was intense and i felt so bad cuz alla mikes homeboys like jordan, chris, reinelle nd all them other crazy asians starts circlin this guy. mike looked like he was ready to kill him and its probably cuz he bumped into him or something. lol pooor little white boy, im pretty sure one of his little friends` eyes were tearing up. ahah shit, i woulda shat my paants. ahhh , and i knew i would never live my yearbook quote down. "picture me rollin`" ahah wtf was wrong wid me ?! seriously, thats like my biggest regret and i hate hearing about it but sure enoough that night chris walks up to me and was like pissin himself like "PICTUURE ME ROLLIN AHAHAH THATS SO SERIOUS, FUCKIN HILARIOUS WOOW I SAW THAT." and later on "YOO RACHEL, IM PICTURIN YOU ROOLLIN HEY ?" ahaha fuuuuuuuuuck !! the only spliff i regret smokin is tha one i smoked right before i submitted my yearbook write up. so speakin of smokin spliffs, yesterday i talked to my brother on tha phone .. felt so good to hear him talk so positively about the future. the way he was spittin out bible versus` kinda scaryy, maybe even surreal. i guess, i need to see it for myself rather than hear it on the phone. maybe even need to put a face behind tha voice ?! id give anything to be 9 yrs old again, when he was 12 and life was just so blissful. i guess i just need to see it through, hopefully this whole "experience" (if you can even call it that) is over soon. and we can go back to being a little happy family. lord only knows how much i miss him. <3

hoolla ,

xO.r

posin` for tha camera like , bitch im tha one .

schooool is done ,

yee yee .

did my last exaam yesterday morning. so easy, it was quite ridiculous.. or maybe it was cuz i actually studied which i havent done since like .. preschool. i didnt even need my cheat notes; now thats a milestone. hopefully i can still apply for school ? probably too late . just going to do tha spring / summer course so i can atleast have something for next sem. works iight, realized how much money was in tha restaraunt bussiness for a server compared to retail. going to try and look for a second job as a waitress. also caught up wid s. went to moxies on friday for lunch and just talked forever. i forgot how much i missed her so im trying to do my best to try and keep it strong. i also came to realize how much i hate the city of winnipeg . and even tho bein a carni for tha summer aint all that glamerous .. you get to travel across tha country for free all summer & at tha same time make major flow . lol its got its perks .

24.01.09

yeaa , kinda left that one hanging. anywhoo , i just got my haircut . its shorter and more layers , nicer shape but i hate that its shorter. ill live. newaays , i think im going to tyc tonite .. errrones gon be there , should be bumpnnn . didnt do anything yesterday - chillin day wid fam . got another job at red lobster , which means maadd tips =D=D=D=D ! hope that works out since im not in school til april . so imma save maddd money these next few weeks and hopefully save enough so i dont have to go away for tha summer ? yee i doubt it but who knows. tryin ta go to ethiopia by the end of 09 . tryin to get a whip by tha end of 09 also . moms birthdays on tha 2nd , bought her a digital camera . doont kno what else to tell ya , been blazin alot .. can feel my brain cells slowly dye one by one ahaha real talk . anyways i hope tonites chillin and ill tell you bout it in tha morning . ♥

hoolla ,
xO.r

one girl savin` for marriage, the other - for carrabana .

your tha reason i dont change my number,

want yu to know its still tha same

boy i kno yu remember that summer - when we kicked it everyday .
dont know how it happend, it just happend

kinda like we faded awaay .

christmas was perfect, got everything i wanted. spent with family and my best friend. the holidays - happiest time of year. washin my hands of all tha bullshit and people who bring it ; even if that means 2 of the closest people to me. seems like it gets harder and harder to ignore the calls / text. i hate feeling vulnerable. to anyone and anything. seems like its happening more and more these days. i cant believe that you still havent emailed me back. you made me feel like you wanted to know about me, and that you might even have been showing remorse over the wasted time that passd. making me pour my heart out on an email, assuring me you wanted to kno. reluctant to push send, yet its been a month and no reply? first time shame on you, second : shame on me. wont let it happen again, my word. father hasnt called back either, and he also claimed he wanted to start fresh. but fuck it. your either in 100% or not at all. and clearly your not in it at all, seeing as you didnt even say merry christmas or happy new years. anyways, been offered a seat in an new networking business, dont know the details. got a meeting wid them at tha clarion hotel tonight @ 8. if its another way to stack it up ? im dizzoown . papaAh chaaser .

hoolla,

xO.r

hoolla if yu got me, nd fuck yu if you had me .

[cntdwn : 2 days]

fucked up week , elsa msgd me back, didnt expect her to reply. it caught me totally off guard. with so much going on in my life, all my emotions just surfaced. father never called back. probably'll forget for another 11 years, only this times different cuz i couldnt care less. eyobs parole officer called, were set to go. should be refreshing in way, just knowing that our family will be able to talk face to face. christmas is coming, and because were going thru so much shit right now, i think were going to scratch the whole turkey, mashed potato etc. dinner, and rent movies / eat pizza & wings. but obviously open presents. been working so much, gettin that paper .. still need to make movements on my tattoo. ambers being shiesty / distant , dont kno what to do bout that .. let it go ? syke naaw . reach out more . christmas shoppings almost done, gotta get part 2 of stephs present, part 2 of moms present, and aunt b's . with so much goin on, makes my time valuable aka dont have time for you. sorry for sendin mixed signals but i realized im not going to settle.
wings tonite ? i hope so. ttylAtAaHh player.

hooolla,
xO.r

better late than never ?

was told that im supposed to fail, i wouldnt amount to much of nothin

yes i pray, nd there was days i wondered if you really loved me

so hinted, and angry w. all of the world, just wishin youd come back nd see

my difficult times with bein an adolscent and like so many just like me

w i t h o u t a s h o u l d e r t o l e a n

why now, after 10 years you decide to call and say hi ? like okay.. bye. i dont understand what you expected to come out of that conversation. saying your my daddy ? naw nigga, i dont kno you. you maybe my father but shiet, you aint my dad. but i guess somethings never change. whoever said with age came wisdom sure all hell did not meet alem gebremichael. he's just as bitter and in denial as he was 10 years ago and frankly, it makes me sick. i mean, grow the fuck up cuz im not a niave eight year old anymore.. im not going to believe all your bullshit. when i was eight, i was in need of a father figure. someone to teach me how to drive. someone to shoot hoops with and even come to my basketball games. someone to just be there like a regular father .. i didnt need a superdad, a normal one would have been more than enough, but apparently that was too much to ask for. im am now 18 years old. an adult. i dont need a father anymore. i dont need you. especially if your the same guy from 10 years ago. unless he changes, needs a kidney, or is somehow going to benefit who i am/trying to be.. i see no need for him in my life. adios amigos.

p.s. thanks to g, k, s, d ♥ .. you helped way more than you`ll ever know.

hooolla,

xO.r

[ cntdwn : 9 days ]

well you got my attention now

i cant let you down

your lyrics and your sound

imagine me and you

what we gon do

j u s t l i s t e n

for the break down